I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
