Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
