I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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