Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
