i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
