my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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