Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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