In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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