I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
