Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
