apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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