He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
