her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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