I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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