tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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