i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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