Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
