I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
