She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
