He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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