I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
