good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
