so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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