is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
