I didn't shave. On purpose
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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