Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
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Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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