dude i'm inner monologue high
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
