yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just had sex bonerless
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
