It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my shit smells like andre
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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