thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
