Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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