that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
