this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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