There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
