For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
