Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
