It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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