So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
