I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
