Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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