I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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