you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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