We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
