I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
