just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
