let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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