The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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