Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
