All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
