Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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