I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
