Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
