oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
