when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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