I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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