do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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