I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
