They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
