you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
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Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
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My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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